Entries from July 2007

Joke’s on Me

July 27, 2007 · Leave a Comment

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he
spotted a young couple making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, “Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est
magnifique!”, and continued to watch, remembering the good old day’s that he’d once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said, “Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!” before heading off as fast as he could to the
town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, “Jean…Jean…zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.”

The police chief smiled and said, “Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time,
ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L’amour! Zis is OK.”

“Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!”

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to
the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed, “Pierre, Pierre!
This is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!”

To which Pierre replied, “Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember…it’s spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is very natural.”

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, “NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!”

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, “Mon dieu!” grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope,
and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she
is British!”

Categories: humor

Don’t Speak

July 25, 2007 · Leave a Comment

“Everyone’s walking around like zombies. No one is talking”. 

Yes, my “straight” friend, one of many advantages of homo over hetero seduction. No tiresome conversation required.

Categories: humor · queer

You Will Need. . .

July 24, 2007 · 1 Comment

The fact that a certain Flip friend o’ mine gets a big crush on a guy the EXACT same weekend that the Harry Potter book comes out makes it obvious that we should use MAGIC to get my friend the man he wants. There are no coincidences.

I like #6 both because I like oak trees and because I have tenure status on several shit lists, but could probably benefit daily from #3.   Which one do you favor?

  1. Cast a spell to get a person to call you with the Call Me Spell:
    • You will need:
      • A piece of parchment or fine quality writing paper
      • A black marker
      • A needle
    • Using your marker, inscribe the name of the person you want to call, on the paper.
    • Write it in a circle twice, so the ends meet.
    • As you do this, concentrate on the person’s face and your desire that they call you.
    • While still concentrating, put a needle through the center of the circle created by the name.
    • Place the charm by the phone.
    • The call will come within 5 minutes, 5 hours, or 5 days, depending how well the spell was cast!
  2. Cast a love spell with the Easy Love Spell. This spell is easy- just say the following words and concentrate on the one you love:
    • “Earth and Sea,
      Keep harm from me.
      Wind and Fire,
      Bring my desire.”
  3. Find your lost item with a Finding Spell. Concentrate on thinking about the thing that you lost, then say these words:
    • “Bound and binding, binding Bound,
      See the sight, hear the sound.
      What was lost, now is found,
      Bound and binding, binding bound.”
  4. Seek a kiss with the Kiss Me Spell. This is a spell that is supposed to get your crush to kiss you!:
    • You will need:
      • A red candle
      • A white piece of paper
      • A red-colored lipstick or a glittery pink one
    • Light the red candle (be careful).
    • Draw a lip print on the white piece of paper.
    • Hold the paper over the candle and think of the person you want to kiss you.
    • Visualize you both kissing and falling in love, while you chant:
      • “Kiss me when we meet,
        Kiss me (lovers full name),
        Greet me with your lips and say you missed me,
        But most of all kiss me.”
  5. Try something more powerful to get your love and use the Make Someone Fall in Love with You:
    • You will need:
      • A photograph of you
      • A photograph of your crush (must be the same size as your photo – yearbook pictures are good for this)
      • A red sewing pin
      • A piece of netting (fishnet stockings will do)
    • Go outside on the night of a new moon with the items listed above.
    • Put the picture of you and the picture of the person you like together so the faces are touching.
    • Stick the sewing pin through both pictures where the faces are, saying “Face to face.”
    • Pull the pin out and stick it through both pictures again, this time at the level of your hearts, saying “Heart to heart.”
    • Keeping the pictures face to face, wrap them in the netting or stockings.
    • Hide the bundle somewhere where nobody will find it.
    • Your love will come to you.
  6. Bid evil goodbye with the Protection from Evil Intent. This charm is supposed to prevent those with evil intentions (say, an enemy who wants to spread rumors about you) from having any effect:
    • You will need:
      • An acorn
      • A brightly colored marker
    • Using the marker, paint a smiley face on the acorn.
    • Carry the ancient spirit called “The Oak Man” who is said to live in acorns. He is a kind spirit who protects innocent folk who are attacked by evil thinkers. Carry the acorn in your pocket to protect yourself.
      • ~SPELL OF FORTUNE~
  7. Take a large bowl. Drip into its bottom six drops of colored candle wax (any color). Stick a white candle firmly into this.
  8. The different colors represent goals and needs, the white candle binds them all together.
  9. Light the candle each morning and drop a coin into the bowl. Make your daily wish. Blow out the candle.
  10. When you truly need a wish fulfilled, take a coin from the bowl and bury it in rich soil (houseplant dirt will do) or throw it into moving water.
  11. Your message will be carried through the earth.

Categories: humor

Bummed

July 23, 2007 · Leave a Comment

Cloudy, cold, Monday with dentist visit fun at 9:00, and if that tweren’t enuff, Rowling, the stupid bint, killed off my fav Potter character.

Categories: rants and raves

The Funk of 40,000 Queers

July 20, 2007 · 1 Comment

Most of you know that my main partner in crime is usually Bill aka Tick Bill aka Flip Bill.

After hanging out with his sorry ass for three plus years, what I did not know was that, actually, some Phillipino people can have a sense of humor! Who knew?

In addition to just plain owning, this video of Phillipine prisoners performing Michael Jackson’s Thriller, features Bill’s sister as the damsel in distress and she does a wonderful job. As one commenter noted, “Not fair, I wanna go to prison.”

Categories: humor

Amen

July 19, 2007 · 1 Comment

Part of my extended, Satan-put-fossils-in-the-ground-to-trick-us kinfolk live in Hickory, North Carolina.  And even though they go to church at least three times a week, I’m betting they don’t go to this church.

Categories: dixie · queer

Boiled Peanuts

July 18, 2007 · 1 Comment

I tend to only go back South once every four years or so, and now in psych class, I’m learning the neurological reason I don’t linger there.

Apparently, anyone visiting home after a long time away stores away the associated neural pathways laid down during, often times, our last extended time there, aka our adolescence. Coming back, these often irritating associations get fired up again by implicit triggers: the smell of the house, the cadence of our parent’s voices, and the sight of all these freaky lighthouse statues.

So then before we know it, mentally, we are once again the resentful, misunderstood, hair trigger teen, and likewise, our parents and siblings, re-cued to the time by associations the returning child trigger, return to, in so many cases, distant days of high conflict.

One sticking point between myself and my father has nothing to do with these past associations, but rather to do with food. We constantly bicker and bitch about eachother’s eating habits. He, being the salt ‘o the earth type, loves him some ugly food that, as I like to remind him, looks the same going in you as it does coming out: beans with crumbled stale cornbread, for starters.

Being a uppity urban brat, I’ve developed a taste for food that is also presentable. My sushi addiction he finds particularly vexing. My mom sums up our differences nicely in saying that i eat to live, whereas Dad lives to eat. By this point, we’ve usually been hustled into a car and are headed out to eat, which isn’t any better, as Mr. Jim tips no more than 8%, and then only when I glare at him.

Interesting to read, then, a more balanced view of Southern cuisine.

in my defense, i do love some southern foods. fried okra is awesome, and tomato and mayo sandwiches in the summertime don’t suck. MyBFF Tiff, back home again and no doubt a victim of the above-mentioned psychological misfire, rudely ate boiled peanuts right out the damp brown bag, right into the phone while talking to me.

I had to hang up before I drooled all over the phone.

Categories: dixie

World Famous!

July 17, 2007 · Leave a Comment

In my upcoming biography I Shaved My Balls for This?, I refer to the year I lived/taught in South Korea as ‘the Year of No Mangina’. It was a long twelve months to be sure, but largely the fault was my own. In both Korea and the Czech Republic , I was never smart enough to live in the capital city, instead opting for smaller towns with more native flavor, and absolutely no man-on-man action.

The residents of Taejon, the South Korean town I lived in, were completely unaware that their city wasn’t a thriving hip urban paradise (for the straight natives it probably was – the local hooch wore skirts so short, one was often their unwilling gynecologist from half a city block away).

Said residents often proudly referred to the international fame of Taejon, citing some World Exp having been there in 1993. Also they have mountains. And a shrine of some sort.

I left in 1996, blue balls cupped firmly in my miguk hand, and shortly afterward the Korean economy collapsed hard. Only recently has Korea emerged with something truly worthy of global fame, and something I very much wish they’d had when I was there. Not easy Asian ass, which goes without saying, but my second fav, online multiplayer gaming.

SFgate has an awesome and informative article on the phenomenon here. Well worth the lengthy read.

Categories: gaming

Like Me, She’s a Leo

July 17, 2007 · Leave a Comment

Because she doesn’t yet have quite enough money. . .

Categories: music and media

The Party Started

July 13, 2007 · Leave a Comment

Two short weeks until my birthday BBQ/Rough Trade Summer Social/Dore Alley pre-party, and I’m behind schedule making the soundtrack for the upcoming shenanigans.

This jewel is going to be first on the mixed tape I’m making you. This is so fuckin’ camp-dilly-icious, I can barely stand it. Thanks to Nathan for dropping it on my doorstep.

Categories: humor · queer